Searching for Fireworks

We saw each other through the screen. I thought he was fit. Alone we swipe yes.

What happened to the way someone made you feel?

That uncomfortable, self conscious, attempt to catch their eye. Hoping they’ll see the best version of you. Awkward stumbling. Saying the wrong thing. Hoping he finds it endearing. Lost in the unknown. Lost, navigating, giddy with butterflies.

In the dark unrequited moments perhaps we love the simplicity of a single swipe for clarity. But making it easy, also makes it boring. Files away the butterflies. Erodes the delicious excitement of the unknown.

Make me laugh in real life, make me laugh so hard I snort and blush and cringe.

There’s no fireworks in a selfie. No tummy’sults in reading he loves the same things you do in the words of his profile.

Looking for real in the face of a stranger behind a screen.

An emotional lottery.

Genuine connections are an investment. Anyone who has loved and lost knows. You invest yourself when you really open your heart to someone new. You build a narrative for two. It takes time to unravel and unwind. In the process of moving on, you sacrafice parts of yourself to the separation.

Starting a story with someone you don’t know feels forced. You’re seeking something you saw in their self promotion, a kindred humour or lust that you hope will come with whatever spark is needed to make magic happen. But the thought that goes into a profile means whatever you see is filtered through so many layers of human insecurity, narcissism and cultural expectations… who is that person on the other side?

You take a risk on this stranger and maybe it works out. Maybe this screen brought two people together that should always have met and just needed this catalyst to collide their space and time at that very moment.

Or maybe you came from such different worlds the collision leaves you more broken then you started off. You went in looking for something, which made you all the more certain you had found it. Real love and all the fallout from a manufactured connection. Real love from the same black mirror you order your groceries on.

Love inspires sonnets and plays and songs and the best ones are never as easy as looking and finding. The best ones are clumsy and messy and take you by surprise.

Inconvenient. Fireworks and butterflies.

Wherever and however you find it, as Dolly says, I wish you joy and happiness, but above all this, I wish you love.

Fireworks from Nottingham, England 2018

Published by sincerelyeukarya

Writing from London. Photographs from the author's adventures. Icon image is by an unknown graffiti artist in Havanna, Cuba; the disordered numbers ask you to question what you have been told.

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